An Amicable Divorce Settlement Between Left & Right, Liberals & Conservatives

I came across this today and thought you might find it amusing as well as thought-provoking. I have added my own suggestions (in blue) as an addendum to this already well-written piece of political satire. Also, sorry about some of the formatting problems, which can only be attributed to Blogger.com which has its own issues and often drives me crazy. I'm getting closer to switching to Wordpress.

DIVORCE AGREEMENT--

WRITTEN BY YOUNG COLLEGE STUDENT

The person who wrote this is a college student. Perhaps there is hope for us after all.

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al: We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is our separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. 

• We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. 

• You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

• You can keep the following government agencies which many of us deem fairly worthless: Dept. of Education, State Department (mostly leftist and apologists for Islam), Dept. of Homeland Security, Dept of Transportation Security (TSA). You can have all the TSA agents and let them fondle you at the airport as much as you want. You can also have the Labor Dept. which is basically a front for the unions, and sad to say, you can also have the Justice Dept. which under Obama and Holder has become the Dept. of Injustice. Also, we’ll gladly give you the Environmental Protection Agency and all their regulations which is a leftist front to destroy capitalism here in America. You can also have the Endangered Species Act which will hopefully keep you in the stone age, living with the spotted owls and endangered eagles. 
• This might shock you, but we're giving you the Pentagon which is full of a bunch of panty-waisted bureaucrat generals who care more about appeasing Islam and political correctness than about defending this nation. Since you hate the military, we'll keep all the branches of our military, even the Navy which has become a bastion for PC and social engineering. Maybe we can still turn it around. We'll start by canceling their order to bio-fuels and we'll no longer allow women to serve on submarines (pretty close, tight, intimate environment). 
• Even though this is not a branch of the military, you can have the Army Corps of Engineers which is nothing more than a group of left-wing environmentalists who care more about endangered species than they do about the economic health and well-being of this nation.

Rosie O'Donnell

• Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. 
• We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and the coal mines, and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. 
• You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, Rosie O'Donnell, Alec Baldwin, and best of all, you can have George Soros who has billions and won’t know what to do with it after this divorce settlement since his main goal has been the destruction of the United States. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all five of them. 

• We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.

• You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.
• We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's, rednecks and those who have entered our country legally and appreciate the opportunities afforded by our capitalist, free-enterprise system of government.
• 

  We'll keep Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Fox News and our Bibles. We’ll gladly give you NBC, MSNBC, CBS, HBO, Media Matters, Hollywood and Broadway.
• You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
•  You can have the peaceniks, the Occupy Wall Street crowd, war protesters. 

While we’re at it, you can keep almost all the government schools (public education), most of the colleges and universities with their political correctness. We’ll keep Hillsdale College, Grove City College, and most of the Christian colleges and universities in the U.S. We’ll do just fine with home schools where our kids can truly get an education without political correctness.

• We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values and the Cross and “In God We Trust.”
• You’re welcome to keep Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley MacLaine. You can also have the U.N. and we will no longer be paying the bill.
• 
  

  We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.
• You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. You also get all the trial lawyers. Who needs them anyway?
• We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.
• We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."
• I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World".
• We'll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
• Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our European-centric history, our name and our flag. We’ll keep Christ in Christmas along with Christ in Easter, and the Jewish holidays.
• You can have your hyphenated names, your afro-centrism, the made-up holiday Kwanzaa, the Easter Bunny, Winter Solstice and Ramadan.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you might think about which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
 

Sincerely,

John J. Wall (with contribution from Dale Yancy)

Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin & Charlie Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & ( Hanoi ) Jane Fonda with you.

P.S.S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.